The BLOOMHERE Bead

“BLOOMHERE is a nonprofit organization which provides women survivors of abuse, addiction, prostitution and trafficking a safe place to live and the space and resources to heal. We support the wellbeing of women so they may nurture their own resilience, as we provide opportunities for them to grow into a life of economic independence through our justice enterprise.”

This week, I’d like to highlight an organization that has become quite special to me. Just over a year ago, BLOOMHERE was born and what a difference it has already made in three women’s lives. These women have been given the chance of a lifetime, the chance to get back on their feet, the chance to heal and work through their pasts. They are provided housing, free of cost, in the BLOOMHERE house in downtown Raleigh, North Carolina. Within their two-year journeys, the “Bloomies”, as they are often referred to receive therapy services, continued rehabilitation support, and overall health and wellness guidance. BLOOMHERE aims to empower and educate these women, as they prepare to navigate an independent life. It is truly amazing the work that has been and continues to be done!

And what makes it even cooler is that my mom happens to be the volunteer coordinator, allowing her to give back in such a fulfilling and rewarding way, and make an impact on these three women’s lives.

I could quite literally talk all day about the wonderful aspects of BLOOMHERE, and I am so very excited to be partnering with the organization on Thursday, October 15 for a “Wine and Words” event, discussing all things Beads, recovery, self-care, and writing!

Please consider joining us safely for Thursday’s event, beginning at 8PM, at the fabulous Dram & Draught in downtown Raleigh. Proceeds will benefit BLOOMHERE, one of our local bars, and a special local author 😊 Buy your tickets here!

If you’d like to learn more about BLOOMHERE, you can visit their website at https://bloom-here.org/.

Hope everyone is staying well and sane as we near the end of this crazy year!

The Fall Bead

If you know me, you absolutely know my favorite time of year. And if you don’t know me, it’s NOW! I live for September 1. Every year. Now I know that is technically not the start of fall. But for me, it is. It’s like I become a different person from August 31 to September 1. Bye bye beach balls, hello pumpkins. Some may say I’m crazy, but I prefer passionate.

There is something about the colors, the change in weather, the fact that it’s acceptable to now display all of my fall decor, despite the fact that it may have already been on display in my house in late August, that gets my juices flowing. Honestly, I would have pumpkins around my house all year long if I could.

I realized one day when I looked around my house that my house is actually decorated in fall-like colors. The walls in my kitchen and living room are a chocolate brown. I have reddish-orange throw pillows on my couch. The downstairs bathroom vanity is also similar in color, with chocolate brown geometric wallpaper on the walls. I realize that this may sound a bit Halloween-ish. I promise it’s not. It’s lovely, in my opinion. And hopefully my husband’s. Although I’m pretty sure he had different plans. But it’s been eight years, so he definitely loves it. I think.

I’m one of those weirdos who isn’t a huge fan of July and August. Don’t hate me. I’ll take 65-degree weather with a sweatshirt any day over 109-degree weather dripping in sweat wearing no sleeves. I love sleeves. Personal preference. Not for everyone. Bring on the fires, blankets, crunching leaves, naked trees, pants, scarves, boots, and sweaters. It all makes me so happy.

So where am I going with this fall obsession. We are now almost in the last quarter of this godforsaken year. Can you even believe it? I absolutely can and cannot at the exact same time. At any rate, I’m still consistently trying to focus on things that bring me joy and can allow my brain my shut out some of the craziness of life right now. And fall is one of those things. Taking my kids to pumpkin patches, drinking far too many pumpkin drinks, picking out Halloween costumes, starting to get excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas. In years past, I had felt this joy, but this year, September 1 was a massive milestone for my mental health. I know it sounds cuckoo, but it’s true! It’s as if I know I will be alright through the rest of this year, because it is my favorite time.

The fall bead may not actually have anything to do with fall. I don’t know how, but there are people out there that do not like this time of year. But the overall message is the same. Whether it’s the season or something entirely different, try and find something that brings you joy. A new TV show, a new outfit even if you don’t have anywhere to wear it, an old book, sit on your porch, identify cloud animals with your kids. Hell, identify cloud animals by yourself. It’s really fun.

We have almost made it, friends. 2020 will soon be in our rear view mirror, and we will all be stronger for it. In the meantime, go get some pumpkins.

The Show Bead

We turn to TV shows for a variety of reasons. The news, to have a laugh, to become engulfed in another world, to learn something new, to be mindless. I find myself falling into all of the above from time to time. And while I don’t actually watch a lot of TV right now, when I do, I’m drawn toward more serious dramas.

I recently finished the series, I May Destroy You, on HBO. All I have to say is WOW. Well, that is not all I have to say, but that was my initial reaction upon completion. The show consists of 12 episodes and follows main character, Arabella Essiedu. “Bella”, as she is called, endures a brutal rape in the first episode, after being drugged and therefore is unaware who committed the attack.

Directly relating to this, and I will caveat to say this series is quite triggering in a variety of ways, my heart immediately broke for her. While I was not drugged, I did not know who my attacker was for an extremely long time. It wears on you, both physically and mentally, the lack of control at times unbearable. Bella endures a roller coaster of flashbacks, erratic behavior, and trying to convince herself she is fine.

As she tries to retrace her steps and recount the series of events from that night, she cannot let it go. Coincidentally enough, she is a writer, and is working on her second book. However, the rape stops her dead in her tracks, and she experiences intense writer’s block. As you can imagine, this leads her down a path of professional destruction as she faces the consequences of missed deadlines and meetings. Her character allows the viewer access into the mind of a rape victim and all the sordid things associated with it.

Among the many beautiful elements of this show, I May Destroy You also brings to light issues of race, sexual preference, and the reality male rape victims face. The show is set in London, and the characters are predominately African American.  It does an amazing job revealing the intricate connections between these topics, while pushing the envelope on the taboo nature of them. It may invoke discomfort, for the sheer reason that these issues are not discussed enough. And that hits me at my core.

Arabella’s journey from rape victim to survivor reminds me so much of my own. The way her mind operates, the consistent letdowns from the justice system and those she thought were close to her, the dying urge to figure out the missing pieces, the sense of empowerment and becoming a new, stronger person. It is one of the most powerful shows I have watched in a long time. And sadly also reminds me of the daunting fact that these issues are more present than ever.

The show bead is a unique one. It may not even be on your necklace right now. It may come on and off, depending on its prominence. Sometimes, though, we come across a show that resonates so deeply that it sticks around for a while. And if you’re looking for that, I strongly urge you to check out I May Destroy You. It will impact you in surprising ways. It sure did for me.

The Basics Bead

Let’s get back to the basics, shall we? I can’t say it enough that this is the most insane year EVER. Even the environment is going crazy. [For the record, all of our “environments” are going crazy – political, racial, health, to name a few. I am referring to our natural, outdoors environment, to clarify.] In the past month in my home state of NC, we have had a hurricane, an earthquake, 110-degree days, abnormally “cool” days for August, a tornado, and I’m sure other things that I am leaving out. Not to mention the two storms last week in the Gulf and the lightening fires in California. I mean, seriously what more could 2020 deliver?

I recently caught up with a family member, and she said something that stuck with me. In discussing how each of us were doing, we brought up silver linings and getting back to the basics. Quite literally, feeling gratitude for food, water, and shelter. Now when was the last time you sat back and thought about these three things?

When we bring it back to the basics, we adjust our mindsets. When we bring it back to the basics, we don’t sweat the small stuff. When we bring it back to the basics, things seem simpler. It quite frankly puts things into a perspective that could resonate with us all more.

It’s extremely difficult to snap yourself out of whatever issue you’re facing at the moment. And I would never want to downplay whatever that may be.  Hell, I am a walking example of this. We are all navigating this new normal in very different ways. But while we are in the thick of it, try to take a step back and think about your basics. It’s hard. However, I can guarantee you, the more you do it, the more your mindset will change. The more your mindset changes, the more grateful you will become. And the more gratitude we have, the more at peace we can hopefully be in this season of life.

Food, water, and shelter. I take them for granted often. But from here forward, I am going to make a conscious effort not to. The basics bead is just that. It’s plain, simple, perhaps neutral in color. Though, it sets the foundation on your strand. It is a reminder that if we have it, we are doing alright. And it allows us to make space for other things, like how to help others, how to make a difference amidst the crazy, differing environments happening right now, how to make sure we are taking care of ourselves.

So the next time you find yourself in a tizzy, think about your basics. If you have them, great. If you don’t, know that there are those who can help. Those that are working on changing their mindset. Those that will get you there. Because we are all in this together. And we will get through it. We can do this.

The Yes Bead

Saying yes feels good. Sure, there are plenty of times when it’s not the best thing to do. Like if your plate is too full. Or if you’re doing it to people please. Or if it’s to something illegal. But when you can say yes and it truly be for you, it feels good.

These are some of the craziest times I have ever lived in. I am absolutely not alone in that. In the spirit of continuing to find silver linings throughout this season of life, I decided that saying YES to a few things that I may not usually do is one of them. And it’s been fun. Yes, I said the word “fun” during 2020. Crazy, I know.

For instance, about two weeks ago, I dyed the ends of my hair pink! I have been a blonde highlight girl for about 20 years now, give or take a few bad decisions. I dyed my hair red once, and it was such a disaster, I vowed to never do it again. I also didn’t color my hair during my first pregnancy. That was probably the worst hair decision of them all. Anyhow, I have never ventured into the colors of the rainbow when it comes to my hair. Until a recent session of Pinterest perusing.

I saw this profile picture of a woman with super blonde hair and magenta ends, and I needed it immediately. Texted my hairdresser, she ordered the product, and walked out with pink hair within the week. I said yes, because why not! And now, my two-year-old, who mind you is the one obsessed with Poppy from Trolls thinks I can do no wrong.

Second on my list is one that is definitely out of my element. Tis the season for all the online “parties”. Nails, cleaning products, books, makeup, clothes. I am usually not one to jump on board of these, but I have fallen in love with a brand of children’s books, attended a few parties, and drum roll please. I decided to host my OWN party. Who am I? I didn’t want to feel like I was “bothering” others by asking them if they would like to join, but the response has been overwhelmingly great! Who knew I had it in me.

Ever have “yes” days with your kids? I highly recommend it. One of my girlfriend’s called it that one day, and it is literally just as you think. Whatever your kiddos want to do that day, you say yes. Now, obviously not to everything. I mean if your kid wants to jump off the second-floor balcony into the foyer, you have to scratch that. But things like having ice cream for breakfast, pillow fight, jumping on mom and dad’s bed, watching movies all day, whatever ideas pop into their little minds. Say yes. It will make for a really fun and hopefully low-stress day.

This bead’s message is quick but lovely. Pick something. Anything. Something off the beaten path. Something that’s been at the back of your mind for a while. Something you see on Pinterest. Something that pops into your head this afternoon. And say yes. If I have learned nothing else in 2020, it is that our mindsets and outlooks on life make ALL the difference. And this is a small, but huge way to positively adjust. So, the next time you feel yourself about to say no, don’t. Say yes instead.

The Unknown Bead

Who knew Idina Menzel’s “Into the Unknown” from Disney’s Frozen II would end up being the perfect foreshadow to this ungodly year? Anyone? Anyone at all? Elsa apparently did. I actually saw this movie with my four-year-old in the movie theater. Remember those? Crazy that we could go to them less than six months ago. Seems like a different lifetime. At any rate, we seem to be deep “into the unknown” with no plans of going anywhere else remotely soon. And that really sucks.

The unknown and I do not get along. At all. Well, I do love surprises. But I usually spoil them because I find out or I’m dying to reveal. So, no we do not get along. I like to be in some sort of control, have some idea as to what is ahead, and therefore consider myself an exceptionally excellent planner. But obviously, we can’t plan everything. It’s the feeling that we can and do that keeps us sane.

This season of life, and I really am trying to look at this time as a season, is one big ball of heightened unknowns.  When will there be a COVID-19 vaccine? Who is going to be our next president? What is the next series I am going to watch on Netflix? When will bars open again? Will we have to wear masks forever?  Is Halloween cancelled? What if I get COVID-19? When will the constant hate come to an end? What is happening with Britney Spears? I just sneezed. Do I have COVID-19? Who in my family is dressing up as Santa this year since the real Santa is definitely staying up in the North Pole? And then there’s school. God bless all of us with school-aged children, those who are teachers, administrators, students themselves. I personally have a rising kindergartner. Do I send my kid to school? When is school going to start? Could we feasibly handle virtual learning? And the list goes on and on, entering any additional questions that fit into your current situation.

When faced with all of these thoughts, some are able to let it go (might as well throw in a reference to the first Frozen while I’m at it). I am not among those some. I get anxious and send myself into a tizzy and next thing I know my whole life is doomed. But thankfully, I am of a sound mind at the moment and would like to provide some advice and tips, some that was bestowed upon me and some of my own.

When panicking about the unknown, isn’t it so helpful when someone says, “don’t worry about things you can’t control?” Hell no. It’s like telling someone who is hyperventilating to “just breathe.” Ugh.  During one of my recent bouts with high anxiety due to all the mysteries of the world, a very wise someone turned this statement around to say “control what you can.” Okay. I can do that. I love control. It spoke to me. Specifically, what are some ways to break this down?

1.  Make a list of your unknowns. Actually write them out on a piece of paper or in a journal. Get them out of your head. There’s something about the act of physically writing things on paper that gives me more control.

2. Try ranking your unknowns, from least to most severe circumstances. This way, you’ll be able to unpack what is causing you the most distress in that moment.

3. Run through worst-case scenarios. Put it in some sort of flow chart if you have to, with boxes and arrows. Write out the unknown, and then all the things that can lead to the worst possible outcome of that unknown.  Doing this, once again, allows us a sense of control in choosing to work through it. And you might even see that what you thought was your most daunting unknown, in fact is not.

4. Give yourself a chunk of time each day, 10 minutes, 30 minutes max, to fixate on these unknowns. Allow yourself to worry about them. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel about them. You are in control of the time in which you allot to them.

5. And then let it go. It takes practice. I am no pro. But I am working on it. [I also want to note that cases of anxiety and depression are at all-time highs right now. I take medication and see a psychiatrist to help me manage my mental health. Take care of and listen to yourself and know that there is no shame in doing the same.]

The unknown bead is a doozy for me. It’s ugly, has some rough edges. It’s not what draws me to the necklace, that’s for damn sure. I say this, however, as we are living in a very distorted version of reality. Everything is amplified right now. For those facing struggles with the unknown, I see you, I feel you, I am right there with you. Until next time, stay safe everyone.

The Trolls Bead

It’s not what you’re thinking. Yes, there are trolls in this world – the internet kind, the cave kind. But I’m talking about the fictional kind. The kind that are now on my TV daily - multiple times a day at that.

Since mid-April, I have seen the movie, Trolls, approximately 187 times. And not just the first one. Trolls World Tour and come to find out there is also a holiday special. The more than 100 million dollars the second movie turned in profit? Yea, my family contributed $60 to that. Not by choice. Not by personal preference. Not because I have had nothing else to do. Well, not initially at least. But because my two-year-old has an addiction. We are slightly concerned, considering treatment options, but we figure it could be worse.

I would like to think that we are like most parents with small kiddos during this pandemic, in that we have done some scrambling in trying to figure out this new norm. So, one of our solutions has been buying or renting All. The. Movies. on Amazon Prime. I mean, what an age we live in. Amid a global crisis, movie theaters and everything else in the world closed, we can simply buy movies to stream directly on our TVs. Thank God. Little did we know, however, that one of our purchases would become the COVID-19 theme of our household.

As someone who has struggled with mental health for the better part of my life, prior to this virus, I was in a great place. Mentally, physically, professionally. Life was busy, but it was good. I was about to embark upon a book tour, travelling to several cities in NC and on the east coast. My youngest had just started a part-time preschool program. My oldest was approaching the end of his preschool career. My husband was gearing up for some work travel. We had several vacations planned that we were all looking forward to.

And then BOOM. It all came to a screeching halt. My book events were cancelled. We pulled the kids from their preschools. My husband began working from home full-time. Our vacations were no longer. And so was born the shut-down, socially distancing, quarantining, the scramble to stay afloat. Hence, my life pause, as referenced in my last post.

When we bought Trolls, I was at a point where most days consisted of going through the motions, keeping my kids alive, making it to bedtime, and drowning my sorrows in food on the couch in front of the TV. In those early days, multiple viewings of Trolls would be my saving grace to getting through the day, as I could also exist as a lump on the couch.

As the days went on, Trolls became a regular request every single morning. You want to watch this again? Sure! Why the hell not. And so we would sing and dance and hug and dance and hug and sing with Poppy and Branch every morning and into the day. In a strange way, a part of the crazy unknown in the world became known. I liked that. Rather than rushing around trying to do this and that and hurry out of the house, we would sit and watch these godforsaken trolls.

As with anything that is done over and over, Trolls and its sequels have become habit, but also comfort. Four months in, and we are still going strong with Anna Kendrick (as the voice of Poppy) and Justin Timberlake (as the voice of Branch). Believe it or not, I have grown to love this movie. It has taken on a different meaning for me.  What started out as an annoying reprieve from having to entertain my children due to my looming depression has turned into a source of joy and comfort. Weird, I know.

I actually look forward to our Trolls viewing parties, despite essentially knowing every line, song, character, next scene, every line of the credits….ok it’s not at that level. Yet. As I began to overhear and then watch this movie over and over, I found its message to be quite ironic during this time.

Brief synopsis – the Trolls are forever happy creatures who live in their own happy land, until the Bergens, who are horribly miserable creatures, discover them. The Bergens believe that the only way to experience true happiness is to eat the Trolls. And so the story unfolds as such, leaving us with the takeaway that you don’t have to eat Trolls to be happy. You can find happiness within yourself. Talk about the irony, right? A global pandemic to truly hear this message. We don’t necessarily need all the things we think we do to be happy: materialism, fancy vacations, expensive dinners, and the list goes on. Sure, all of these things are great and fun and to be honest, I am looking forward to the day when some sort of pre-COVID life resumes. But we can also find happiness within the four walls of our home, with what we currently have, watching the same movie on repeat.

Food for thought.

So yes, I am allowing my children significant amounts of screen time during our days, but if they are going to be watching something, I have found happiness within myself (yes, it’s from the movie) that it is Trolls. And if we aren’t watching it, we are listening to the soundtrack. And playing with the figurines we have acquired. And reading the Trolls books we have ordered. And cuddling with the giant Poppy and Branch blanket received as a birthday gift. And sleeping with the giant life-sized Poppy we found on clearance at Target.

The Trolls bead will most likely look different for everyone. It’s about finding a silver lining and coming to cherish something you thought you never would. For us, it’s these movies. But it could be anything. My entire family has bonded and become the number one fan club of Trolls. There is something special in that. And when life does pick back up again, in all its craziness, whenever that may be, I will miss watching my dear colorful happy friends for many, many hours a day.

The Pause Bead

Well, it’s been a minute. Actually, it’s been about 161,280 minutes since my last post, but who’s counting. Not so funny enough, we are still in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, experiencing shutdowns, some panic, a whole lot of unknown, and while people seemed to have found toilet paper, it still is one hot commodity that can’t be found everywhere. In addition, the devastation of eye-opening racial and social injustices, the current state of our economy, the varying degrees of information being thrown at us daily, and just the general feeling of unrest in the world, have made 2020 a year for the record books, that is for sure. Thus, I had to take a life “pause”.

With this pause came a flood of emotions, triggers, next to no alone time, lack of control, endless questions, and the list goes on. Like so many, my normally routinized and organized life got turned upside down, thrown sideways, and then hit by a bus. And sadly, things that once brought me peace and relaxation became daunting and overwhelming, one of those being writing.

So here I am, I guess you could say “back” to a certain degree, with my raw and honest feelings and thoughts. At the forefront of importance for myself and so many right now is self-care. Whether you’ve mastered it or it has gone out the window, I want to serve as the friendly reminder.

Looking back on those initial days and weeks following the announcement of the pandemic, I realized something major: this was extremely triggering for me. In a weird and unwanted way, it brought me back to right after the rape happened. Not knowing what to do with myself, extreme loss of control, sadness, anger, the difficult need to keep pushing forward, anxiety, then followed with bouts of depression. Only this time, I had two kids to care for. I did not exactly realize it at the time, but that is precisely what was happening.

I found myself wanting to sleep and shut it all out. I felt the anxiety brewing and the loss of control leaving me with that helpless pit at the bottom of my stomach. I started turning to things that were a comfort for me: food, mindless tv, alcohol, my bed.  Aside from the rape, I honestly cannot think of another time in my life that I have felt that level of distress. Nor could I have imagined ever getting to that point again. Silly me.

Enter the desperate need for self-care. The thing about self-care is that when it is put by the wayside, nobody gets the best version of me, including myself. Everyone and everything gets small pieces of me that are nowhere near 100%. Once I was able to hone in on what I was experiencing and identify my mental health state (thank you, years of therapy), I thankfully was able to start to figure out what I needed.

A large part of my self-care right now is spending time by myself. Whatever that may look like – exercising, scrolling Instagram, anything Netflix, taking a long shower and getting in my bed at 7pm, and I may have been known to sit in my car in the driveway. It’s not weird. I promise. Try it.

Everyone’s self-care is obviously going to look different. While some are yearning to be alone, others are yearning for social interaction. Some are essential workers; others are trying to work with kids at home. Some have lost their jobs; others are trying to stay afloat. Some are sick and have lost loved ones to this disease; others do not know anyone who has COVID-19. Some are venturing out in the world; others are still quarantined. Whatever your life looks like right now, do not forget to fill and continue to refill your tank. And don’t feel guilty about how you do it.

Adapting to this “new normal” is challenging, and unfortunately, I think it’s here to stay for quite some time. It’s okay to not be okay. I give you permission to take a pause. Whether it be a long pause, short pause, a daily pause, a 5-minute pause, take a pause. Choose something that fits your definition of self-care: call a friend, take a walk by yourself, color, scream into a pillow, plant some flowers, hide in your closet, eat dessert in your car (I’m telling you, just do it). Notice my suggestions do not include laundry, cleaning, dishes, any and all forms of housework. Unless that is your thing, then go for it.

2020 is certainly not the year I thought it would be. But we are over halfway there. And we will all get through it with a little self-love and a lot of pauses along the way.

The Perspective Bead

Holy shit. Pardon my French. I feel as though I have lived a lifetime since my last Beaded Survivor post. So here we are on St. Patrick’s Day, in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, pending shutdowns, widespread panic, a whole lot of unknown, and no toilet paper. Please note, however, that the Brooks family should be fine with regards to toilet paper. I typically stockpile it anyway. No need to worry about us on that front. But I digress.

I have gone through a complete whirlwind of emotions over the past week or so due to COVID-19. Everything from thinking everyone is insane to gathering a few extra things at the store to denial to panic to sadness to frustration then back to denial to shock to stockpiling all the things to high anxiety and this cycle on repeat. It is truly the weirdest time I have ever experienced in my life. It’s like we are living in this purgatory of wanting to continue living our lives but not knowing what is going to happen when we do.

And yes, we never really know what is going to happen in our lives. But this virus has taken that unknown to an entirely new level. Some are not worried at all, some just a smidge, some are in a decent state of fear, and some are in full-blown panic mode. Some are cautiously optimistic while others have chosen to self-quarantine. Some have tested positive, some are extremely high risk, some have it that don’t realize it, some sneeze and want to run to the doctor. Whichever category you fall into or perhaps you don’t fall into a category at all, nobody saw this coming. Well, maybe some did. But I sure as hell didn’t.

So how do we handle it all? I think it really depends on your perspective. This is a scary time. People are dying and the world is actively trying to play catch up. I am the first to admit that I hate feeling out of control. And I do right now. But I am trying to find the silver linings in this. And there are a few.

Let me caveat this by saying that my family is currently healthy, and I am so incredibly grateful for that. It pains me, however, that there are so many families who are not in the same position. To those families, I am constantly thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

As for the couple silver linings, the first is major. I honestly cannot think of another time where my little family of four has been home together for this amount of time and for the foreseeable future. There is beauty in this time as we are hunkering down and preparing for the worst. My husband is working from home, and we have pulled our kids from their preschools. When has that ever been the case? Never. I may and most likely will feel differently about this in the coming days and weeks. But for now, bring on the imaginations, creativity, make-believe, forts, pillow fights, and whatever else will get us through this time, all while trying to remain calm and make the best of it. We currently have a 6 foot airplane pool float blown up in my oldest son’s room. So there’s that.

A second silver lining: I don’t think our home will ever be more organized. When you’re limiting your exposure to the outside world, there is nothing better to do than organize. Am I right? To date, we have rearranged our playroom, cleaned out my husband’s closet, discovered many treasures hidden within our kitchen junk drawer, purged our garage, and evaluated what we actually need from the crap that stays on top of our fridge. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

And the last lining I’ll touch on for now is that of a “forced” slow down. There is no school. No going into the office if you can work from home. No doctors’ appointments, unless 100% necessary. No weekend sports games. No sports to watch period. No important errands to run. No gatherings. No expected travel. We are literally being advised to stay home. There’s only so much organizing one can do. And granted, those that must work from home, must work. But god forbid we get to catch up on those books we’ve been wanting to read or not feel guilty for binge watching an entire season of Love is Blind or do puzzles or paint or nap. We are being “forced” to take care of ourselves, something we don’t do enough of.

Now for the perspective. Through these silver linings, I am reminded of just how fortunate I am and how much we take for granted. My kids are home with us. Furthermore, we have a safe home to live in. We have plenty of food and supplies to last us through a complete shutdown, whatever that may look like. My husband has the ability to work from home, with little to no fear of losing his job. To emphasize this point again, my family is healthy at this time and has no underlying health conditions causing them to need medical attention right now.  

The flip side of this, is the perspective of those not so fortunate. The hourly wage workers who have no choice but to continue going to work in order to get paid. And then in the event of a shutdown, the risk of not getting paid. Healthcare professionals who are tirelessly working around the clock to provide care the best they can. The children who may not have enough food because they are currently not attending school. Small business owners and all business owners for that matter. Our economy as a whole is taking a nosedive, leaving more uncertainty than I would argue ever before. Those who are already sick with another condition that may not receive the medical care they need because of the outrageous demand. Those who are otherwise perfectly healthy, have contracted this vicious virus, and died as a result. It’s all of these situations that put life into perspective. It forces us to take a step back and look at what really is important. And remind us that tomorrow is never guaranteed.

The perspective bead is one that is always there, but not always seen. However, let’s make it a prominent bead on our necklaces right now. Let’s be mindful that everyone is in differing stages of how to navigate this new normal. Let’s be diligent in the concept of social distancing to ensure we are all doing our part to stop the COVID-19 spread. Let’s all share in the perspective that while you as an individual may be and remain unscathed by this virus, there are millions who won’t.

So for now, hug the ones you live with, bump elbows with those you greet, stay home if you can, find your silver linings, take care of yourselves, and for the love of god wash your hands.

P.S. No online shopping month has gone completely out the window. These are unprecedented times, and I feel that anything goes right now.

The Food Bead

I love food. All of it. Well, not all of it. I don’t like celery. Or pimento cheese. And I absolutely despise mayonnaise. Can’t do anything spicy. But other than that, I love food. Particularly anything with sugar. I’d eat dessert for every meal if I could. Unfortunately, though, this love of mine has created a monster. Throughout my life, food has often been more than just food. Comfort, security blanket, temporary source of happiness, my worst enemy, my best friend, a masker of feelings. As I think through these different traits, I realize I have never had a healthy relationship with food. But I’m working on it.

I have always either been gaining weight or losing weight, with very little in between. What is maintenance anyway? I wouldn’t know. I hear it is the most difficult stage of the “diet” process. Probably why I’ve never met maintenance.  In my periods of weight gaining, I am typically stressed and/or depressed. I’m what you would call your classic stress-eater, putting anything and everything before my own health. Food is an afterthought, meaning I’ll fit it in when convenient, and when I do it is with nothing good. Food becomes my escape, the thing I look most forward to at the end of my day. And I’ll sit there and gorge. What I would give to be one of those people who doesn’t eat when life goes awry. Alas, that is not me. And that’s also okay.

My food binges might start with some type of fast food, or maybe some quasi healthy meal that I cooked at home. But it doesn’t stop there. After constant trips to the pantry, I’ll decide I can still squeeze in some ice cream. Maybe a few bites. Who am I kidding, let’s just polish off the pint. I earned this, right? My mindset: I have so much going on in my life, and I’m so overwhelmed, and I deserve something yummy to make me feel better. I tell myself, tomorrow is the day. I’m not going to do this tomorrow.

Tomorrow then becomes today and yesterday and last week, and I’m now in this never-ending cycle of “tomorrows”. I wake up feeling hungover from food. If it’s never happened to you, let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. I’m sluggish, I’m so mad at myself, I’m consumed with guilt, I’m ashamed. So what do I do? Mask it all with more food.

My jean drawer has sizes ranging from 8 to 16. That’s five different sizes. And I don’t get rid of any of them. It’s like I have engrained it into myself that I will forever range over five sizes. And the pressure to get back into those size 8s is unbearable. It just leads to more food. Backwards way of thinking, I know.

Switching gears to when I decide to lose weight. Enough is enough. It’s now time to deprive myself of everything I love. Mourn the loss of my “best friend” (unhealthy food). Feel hungry and tired all the time. But hey, the number on the scale is going down, so I’m accomplishing something. Food becomes something I control. It consumes my thoughts: what I should eat, what I know I “can’t” eat based on whatever diet I’m trying. And then it’s as if I become so depressed from all the deprivation that I boomerang in the complete opposite direction, gaining back whatever weight I had lost, and then some.

I don’t know that I have ever fully opened up about my relationship with food. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s also not something people really talk about. Basically, we have this “diet culture” shoved in our faces, and if we don’t all look a certain way in a bathing suit, we’re failures. That notion alone is enough to make me run to Ben and Jerry.

So where am I in my relationship with food on this very exact 3rd day of March? In the best place I’ve ever been. Screw diet culture and screw what we are supposed to look like in a bathing suit. I made the decision shortly after the new year to join a program called Noom.

For the record, I am not being paid for this, but I wanted to share my experiences with it thus far.

The most important aspect for me personally is my mindset. It took me about two months to get into the mindset where I was ready to stop sabotaging myself and make some real changes. Prior to that, forget it. Noom’s strongest benefit is its articles on the psychology and science behind why and how we eat. I began realizing that I am not alone in having five sets of pant sizes in my drawer. I am not alone in what Noom calls “fog eating” at night, where I just mindlessly eat to escape from whatever, regardless of if I am hungry or not. I am not alone in feeling ashamed when looking at myself in the mirror. And slowly but surely, I have begun to morph my relationship with food.

The weight loss aspect is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But the mental shift is huge. I am not moving at a cheetah’s pace, but I’m not at a snail’s either. It has really become what I want it to be – where I take my time, I don’t deprive myself of something within reason, and understanding that one “slip-up” does not have to sabotage my progress thus far. Pulling myself out of the “all or nothing” mentality is why I think this program will have lasting effects on my life.

For me, the food bead is one of the more complex beads on my necklace. It has a beautiful side and a not so beautiful side. It has forever spun between the two, representative of my weight fluctuations. Until now. I am hopefully on the path to maintenance, in which this bead will show a nice blend of its two sides. We aren’t perfect. And the food bead doesn’t have to be either. As annoying as it is, “everything in moderation” does have a lot of truth to it.  

For those of you who relate to my food trials and tribulations, I encourage you to give Noom a try. It’s certainly not for everyone but take it from someone who has tried many many things out there, it’s pretty great.

*P.S. As I’m sure you’ve figured out after reading this post, eliminating candy/baked goods/ice cream in the month of February was quite the undertaking. But I did it. Thankfully there were only 29 days of it. March has arrived. And don’t worry, I didn’t actually eat the giant bowl of ice cream topped with cookies, cake, pie, fudge, 4 different types of candy bars, and chocolate sprinkles. Everything in moderation, right? This month I’m tuning in to one of my non-food and drink vices: online shopping. 31 days of actually going to brick and mortars. Stay tuned.