It is crucial to keep the conversation going around mental health. It is ok to not be ok. Let’s eliminate the shame and guilt surrounding our mental states. Let’s listen and support each other. Let’s take care of ourselves.
Stay well, friends 💜
Let's Talk About it: Body Positivity!
I’ve always been in a rollercoaster of gaining weight, losing weight, telling myself I’m not thin enough blah blah BLAH! But it’s time to focus on loving today’s body! Not the body from 10 years ago. Not the body from before I had my kids. Not the body from when I got married. To-day’s body ❤️
So let’s all love on ourselves and be present with how we currently look. Easier said than done, but if we start small, it can be our new way of thinking ✨
**Check out @ashleygraham and @alexlight_ldn for amazing, inspirational women who are truly paving the way for women of all sizes!
Let's Talk About It: Triggers!
Triggers can happen at any time, small or large, unexpected or expected. And this week we were handed the mother load of triggers. Bill Cosby’s release evoked a mental and physical response of anger and shock and disappointment and so much more.
What do we do when a trigger occurs? Especially when it is unexpected, as triggers often are. In this installment, I discuss the raw truth behind my triggers and ways to cope.
Let’s continue to not stay silent. Let’s continue to support eachother. Let’s continue to take care of ourselves.
Stay well, friends ✨
Click the button below to listen and view this installment!
Let's Talk About It: Self-Care!
Join me in discussing self-care and my spin on it from the beautiful Outer Banks in North Carolina! We can all get burned out, run down, exhausted. And for those recovering from trauma, these can be even more so.
Taking a drive, doing your favorite hobby, journaling, just to name a few, I talk about my personal self-care success with all three. Bonus, one of these explains how I landed on the title of my book, Beads!
Self-care is essential to our well-being. However you can escape reality and truly unwind, I say go for it. In the meantime, let’s talk about it✨
Take care of yourselves, friends!
Click the button below to view this installment on Instagram!
The Me Bead
Now I know this sounds a bit selfish, but I promise it’s not. Well maybe a little. But everyone deserves to be a little selfish, right? In my honest opinion, people are sometimes not selfish enough, and furthermore feel guilty doing so. This can lead to a whole slew of things like burnout, depression, increased anxiety, poor health, and the list goes on.
Also, welcome to 2021.
In the spirit of this new year, I have a very different mindset than the last. First being that I have absolutely NO expectations. And I mean zero. I am starting this year from the ground up and am taking it one day at a time. Which in turn, will hopefully allow myself to focus a little more on me. What does this actually look like?
I wouldn’t necessarily call these “new year’s resolutions” per se, more so focal points that I lost focus on in the year that shall remain nameless. So here we go:
Sober January. I have done it the past couple of years, and the cleanse has done wonders for my physical and mental wellbeing. I am successfully on day 5, as of today.
Rethinking nutrition. My husband and I are embarking on a 21-day “Real Food Reset” through a local nutrition coach. For the next 19 days (we started yesterday), we will be eliminating grains, added sugars, alcohol (which we had already decided on anyway), hydrating, and doing some form of movement for 15 minutes. I think the key here is not going absolutely bananas with everything. Did I get on the scale yesterday? Yes. Was it scary? Yes. Am I going to go through carb withdrawal? Yes. Sugar cravings? Yes. But It’s all about progress over perfection. It’s truly not about the number on the scale for me. It’s about feeling better, physically and mentally, and believing in myself enough to complete these 21 days. And yes we are eliminating things, but there is no calorie counting, which historically has made me go a bit insane. And we aren’t diving into these hour-long crazy workouts. 15 minutes of anything: a walk, lifting weights, stretching. I can do anything for 15 minutes.
Consistently asking for help. This is tough for me, because I am definitely the type to take everything on and Do. It. All. And yes, I may get it all done. But then what happens? I crash. I become irritable. I become resentful. I have a very short fuse that gets taken out on my kids and husband. Bottom line: it doesn’t all have to get done all the time. Ask for help.
Journaling. I know I am not alone in this – every time I write my thoughts and feelings, whatever may be on my mind, my anxiety levels instantly drop. It’s like I’m having a therapy session with my pen and paper. I get everything “off” my chest, onto the paper, and close the book, keeping the fears and worries in the form of words on paper, rather than thoughts in my head. This year, I am going to spend more time doing this, plain and simple.
“Me” time every single day. This is something I have struggled with over the past year. We give and give and give ourselves to everything to make the world turn. Our kids, our significant others, our jobs, our sorrows, our tragedies. And what is the first thing to go when all of these things are at the forefront? Me. (and you). Without spending time on ourselves, we slowly become unable to spend time on everything else. So, this “me” time can look like anything. It doesn’t have to cost money. It doesn’t have to be fancy. But it needs to happen. Encourage others in your family and friend circle to do it too, including your kids (a little tip I picked up in my last therapy session!) Kids need “me” time just as much as we do. I personally plan on spending some time on the floor of my closet journaling. It’s cozy and quaint, and if I’m super careful, no one can find me for a good 10 minutes.
There is a cycle here. A method to my madness. The more I focus on my physical health, the more it helps my mental health, therefore the more motivated I am to ask for help, journal, and ensure I have enough me time.
See? The me bead isn’t as self-centered as it initially sounded. It’s going to look different for everyone, but I encourage you all to identify five focal points for yourself. And in turn, your world will hopefully turn a little easier, a little happier, a little less stressed. And maybe, just maybe, 2021 won’t be half bad. But remember, no expectations 😊
The Pause Bead
Well, it’s been a minute. Actually, it’s been about 161,280 minutes since my last post, but who’s counting. Not so funny enough, we are still in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, experiencing shutdowns, some panic, a whole lot of unknown, and while people seemed to have found toilet paper, it still is one hot commodity that can’t be found everywhere. In addition, the devastation of eye-opening racial and social injustices, the current state of our economy, the varying degrees of information being thrown at us daily, and just the general feeling of unrest in the world, have made 2020 a year for the record books, that is for sure. Thus, I had to take a life “pause”.
With this pause came a flood of emotions, triggers, next to no alone time, lack of control, endless questions, and the list goes on. Like so many, my normally routinized and organized life got turned upside down, thrown sideways, and then hit by a bus. And sadly, things that once brought me peace and relaxation became daunting and overwhelming, one of those being writing.
So here I am, I guess you could say “back” to a certain degree, with my raw and honest feelings and thoughts. At the forefront of importance for myself and so many right now is self-care. Whether you’ve mastered it or it has gone out the window, I want to serve as the friendly reminder.
Looking back on those initial days and weeks following the announcement of the pandemic, I realized something major: this was extremely triggering for me. In a weird and unwanted way, it brought me back to right after the rape happened. Not knowing what to do with myself, extreme loss of control, sadness, anger, the difficult need to keep pushing forward, anxiety, then followed with bouts of depression. Only this time, I had two kids to care for. I did not exactly realize it at the time, but that is precisely what was happening.
I found myself wanting to sleep and shut it all out. I felt the anxiety brewing and the loss of control leaving me with that helpless pit at the bottom of my stomach. I started turning to things that were a comfort for me: food, mindless tv, alcohol, my bed. Aside from the rape, I honestly cannot think of another time in my life that I have felt that level of distress. Nor could I have imagined ever getting to that point again. Silly me.
Enter the desperate need for self-care. The thing about self-care is that when it is put by the wayside, nobody gets the best version of me, including myself. Everyone and everything gets small pieces of me that are nowhere near 100%. Once I was able to hone in on what I was experiencing and identify my mental health state (thank you, years of therapy), I thankfully was able to start to figure out what I needed.
A large part of my self-care right now is spending time by myself. Whatever that may look like – exercising, scrolling Instagram, anything Netflix, taking a long shower and getting in my bed at 7pm, and I may have been known to sit in my car in the driveway. It’s not weird. I promise. Try it.
Everyone’s self-care is obviously going to look different. While some are yearning to be alone, others are yearning for social interaction. Some are essential workers; others are trying to work with kids at home. Some have lost their jobs; others are trying to stay afloat. Some are sick and have lost loved ones to this disease; others do not know anyone who has COVID-19. Some are venturing out in the world; others are still quarantined. Whatever your life looks like right now, do not forget to fill and continue to refill your tank. And don’t feel guilty about how you do it.
Adapting to this “new normal” is challenging, and unfortunately, I think it’s here to stay for quite some time. It’s okay to not be okay. I give you permission to take a pause. Whether it be a long pause, short pause, a daily pause, a 5-minute pause, take a pause. Choose something that fits your definition of self-care: call a friend, take a walk by yourself, color, scream into a pillow, plant some flowers, hide in your closet, eat dessert in your car (I’m telling you, just do it). Notice my suggestions do not include laundry, cleaning, dishes, any and all forms of housework. Unless that is your thing, then go for it.
2020 is certainly not the year I thought it would be. But we are over halfway there. And we will all get through it with a little self-love and a lot of pauses along the way.
The Reflection Bead
Paul TP Wong writes, “Time spent in self-reflection is never wasted – it is an intimate date with yourself.” And this is a lovely quote. But do we actually do this? Do we spend time self-reflecting, having intimate dates with ourselves, even giving ourselves the space in which to achieve this? It’s a great concept in theory but taking time to reflect is an intentional behavior. One that I myself am personally working on. Because for me, it’s true, the time spent in self-reflection has not been wasted. But that’s because I haven’t been taking the time to do it in the first place. Until recently.
I’ve had some epiphanies in these first 21 days of the new decade. Yes, I know, it is STILL January, and we are only 21 days in. I always feel like January is the longest of all months ever. But this year, I must say I am enjoying its length. For the first two weekends, my family had no plans. We are talking no play dates, no birthday parties, no nights out. Zero. So we woke up both Saturday and Sunday mornings with NOTHING to do. I’m going to let that sink in for a minute, because I cannot tell you how rare this is for us...
Ok back on track, absolutely nothing planned, so we pitched it to our 4-year-old to tell us what he wanted to do. Well, he’s already began talking to us about his birthday party plans, which are at the end of May I might add, so we decided to go pick out party decorations! For a party that is over four months away. For a rising five-year-old. Now, the planner side of me was so proud. I’ve taught my boy well. But the child in me was SO excited. And so was he, making it even more exciting.
So we went to the party store and spent about an hour wandering the aisles considering all of our options for themes. Superheroes, Mario, Pokemon, Star Wars, Minions, Toy Story, and on and on. And then it happened. The decision was made. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Woohoo! The thing was, though, that we didn’t rush. We didn’t give any timers or countdowns. We didn’t say no to anything. We didn’t speak the words, “Finally!” We let Tyler take his time, because we had ALL the time. What a beautiful thing.
Might I also add that Danny and I felt energized, ready to tackle our days and have all the fun because…we have stood by our word and stuck to Sober January. And for this, I am so proud of us.
Another absolutely crazy thing that has happened is…wait for it…I have already read a book this year. Like cover to cover, finished in four days. WHAT?! For those that may be new here, I am not a huge reader. It’s one of those “those who can, do. those who can’t, teach” situations. Except replace “can” and “can’t” with “like to” and “don’t”. Basically, I am not a reader, but I love to write. So the fact that I have already read a book this year is huge. I will expand more about my thoughts on this book in a future blog post because it was just that good that it warrants its own post.
But the name of it in the meantime is Finding Annie, written by the brilliant Katherine Turner, set to debut in April.
Now for the reflecting part of the past few weeks. I have found myself really thinking about our days and how we have spent them. Referencing back to Wong’s quote, I have had a few intimate dates with myself. And what I’ve found is that I love this slower-paced life. Why not get everything for a May birthday party. Why not sit down and read a book. Why not wake up feeling great because I didn’t have a few drinks the night before. Why not let our kids decide what we do on the weekends. It has put me in quite a different mindset, for the first time in a while.
The slower pace life brought me back to right after the rape. I stopped. The world kept moving around me, but I came to an abrupt stand still. And that was the silver lining in it all. As traumatic as that time was and still is at times, I stopped. I admired flowers on the side of the highway. I made jewelry for days on end. Priorities shifted, and I slowed down.
My point in all of this, is that my periods of reflection have been nice. And needed. Don’t get me wrong, I love being busy and doing all the things. But the flip side of that, the slower pace, is fabulous. Self-reflection has allowed me to realize that and will hopefully allow me to implement a slower pace when we can. It won’t always be this way. In fact, life is about to ramp back up again with both pleasant and some not so pleasant things. But I will say that self-reflection has put me in a better mental space to face the music. Whether the music is loud or heavy metal or soft or turned off, I am ready for it. The key will be to continue self-reflecting even when the music is deafening.
For me, the reflection bead is a new one on my necklace. It’s made an appearance here and there before but has definitely stayed “unstrung” more often than not. I encourage everyone to find their reflection bead. Like all the other beads, it can come in many different shapes. Self-reflection can look however you want it to. Writing in a journal. Going to therapy. Spending five minutes at the end of the day. Spending five minutes while sitting on the toilet. Whatever it may be, just try it. Take some time just to think. For starters, you can ask yourself, “How am I really doing?”, “What is one thing I can do for me today?”, “Is there anything I can simplify?” And who knows, you may find yourself craving these intimate dates with yourself. Thanks, Wong.