The Reflection Bead

Paul TP Wong writes, “Time spent in self-reflection is never wasted – it is an intimate date with yourself.” And this is a lovely quote. But do we actually do this? Do we spend time self-reflecting, having intimate dates with ourselves, even giving ourselves the space in which to achieve this? It’s a great concept in theory but taking time to reflect is an intentional behavior. One that I myself am personally working on. Because for me, it’s true, the time spent in self-reflection has not been wasted. But that’s because I haven’t been taking the time to do it in the first place. Until recently.

I’ve had some epiphanies in these first 21 days of the new decade. Yes, I know, it is STILL January, and we are only 21 days in. I always feel like January is the longest of all months ever. But this year, I must say I am enjoying its length. For the first two weekends, my family had no plans. We are talking no play dates, no birthday parties, no nights out. Zero. So we woke up both Saturday and Sunday mornings with NOTHING to do. I’m going to let that sink in for a minute, because I cannot tell you how rare this is for us...

Ok back on track, absolutely nothing planned, so we pitched it to our 4-year-old to tell us what he wanted to do. Well, he’s already began talking to us about his birthday party plans, which are at the end of May I might add, so we decided to go pick out party decorations! For a party that is over four months away. For a rising five-year-old. Now, the planner side of me was so proud. I’ve taught my boy well. But the child in me was SO excited. And so was he, making it even more exciting.

So we went to the party store and spent about an hour wandering the aisles considering all of our options for themes. Superheroes, Mario, Pokemon, Star Wars, Minions, Toy Story, and on and on. And then it happened. The decision was made. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Woohoo! The thing was, though, that we didn’t rush. We didn’t give any timers or countdowns. We didn’t say no to anything. We didn’t speak the words, “Finally!” We let Tyler take his time, because we had ALL the time. What a beautiful thing.

Might I also add that Danny and I felt energized, ready to tackle our days and have all the fun because…we have stood by our word and stuck to Sober January. And for this, I am so proud of us.

Another absolutely crazy thing that has happened is…wait for it…I have already read a book this year. Like cover to cover, finished in four days. WHAT?! For those that may be new here, I am not a huge reader. It’s one of those “those who can, do. those who can’t, teach” situations. Except replace “can” and “can’t” with “like to” and “don’t”. Basically, I am not a reader, but I love to write. So the fact that I have already read a book this year is huge. I will expand more about my thoughts on this book in a future blog post because it was just that good that it warrants its own post.

But the name of it in the meantime is Finding Annie, written by the brilliant Katherine Turner, set to debut in April.

Now for the reflecting part of the past few weeks. I have found myself really thinking about our days and how we have spent them. Referencing back to Wong’s quote, I have had a few intimate dates with myself. And what I’ve found is that I love this slower-paced life. Why not get everything for a May birthday party. Why not sit down and read a book. Why not wake up feeling great because I didn’t have a few drinks the night before. Why not let our kids decide what we do on the weekends. It has put me in quite a different mindset, for the first time in a while.

The slower pace life brought me back to right after the rape. I stopped. The world kept moving around me, but I came to an abrupt stand still. And that was the silver lining in it all. As traumatic as that time was and still is at times, I stopped. I admired flowers on the side of the highway. I made jewelry for days on end. Priorities shifted, and I slowed down.

My point in all of this, is that my periods of reflection have been nice. And needed. Don’t get me wrong, I love being busy and doing all the things. But the flip side of that, the slower pace, is fabulous. Self-reflection has allowed me to realize that and will hopefully allow me to implement a slower pace when we can. It won’t always be this way. In fact, life is about to ramp back up again with both pleasant and some not so pleasant things. But I will say that self-reflection has put me in a better mental space to face the music. Whether the music is loud or heavy metal or soft or turned off, I am ready for it. The key will be to continue self-reflecting even when the music is deafening.

For me, the reflection bead is a new one on my necklace. It’s made an appearance here and there before but has definitely stayed “unstrung” more often than not. I encourage everyone to find their reflection bead. Like all the other beads, it can come in many different shapes. Self-reflection can look however you want it to. Writing in a journal. Going to therapy. Spending five minutes at the end of the day. Spending five minutes while sitting on the toilet. Whatever it may be, just try it. Take some time just to think. For starters, you can ask yourself, “How am I really doing?”, “What is one thing I can do for me today?”, “Is there anything I can simplify?” And who knows, you may find yourself craving these intimate dates with yourself. Thanks, Wong.

The Thankful Bead

Today is Beads’ official birthday! Cue the shocked face, heart eyes, head exploding, muscle flexing, teeth showing smiley emojis at once! It still blows my mind. Talk about something to be thankful for. I have been reflecting A LOT over the past few months. About life, my family, the rape, my marriage, friendships. And I must say, I have so much to be thankful for. Not just in the cliché, hey Thanksgiving is in two days, let’s find things to be thankful for, kind of way. But really truly thankful for where I am in my life and the people and things that are in it. 

A few months ago, I severely sprained my ankle, leaving me unable to drive or walk without assistance. I had one of those huge black boots that goes up to the bottom of your kneecap. And then on top of that, I had a scooter to get around on. Yes, please take a moment to picture me wheeling around my house, one leg up, literally rolling from the couch to the kitchen to the bathroom and back to the couch. That was my existence for about two weeks. Now, in the grand scheme of things, one may not think two weeks is that long. But let me tell you, it was the most agonizingly long two weeks I’ve experienced in a really long time.

As hellacious as it was, the ankle sprain spawned some pretty deep reflection. For one, it forced me to slow down and realize how fast I was moving through my days. I was like a ping pong ball, bouncing from here to there, mentally and physically. So, when the sprain happened, I quite literally had to stop. Everything I had planned those two weeks was wiped from my calendar. My days were filled with compression, elevation, ice, and rest on repeat.

I realized I don’t do well with sitting, as in the physical act of sitting down for say longer than a minute. Nothing like a physical injury to “teach” me how to sit on the couch. But I learned. I realized I don’t like to ask for help. I am a “I can do it all” type of person, however I couldn’t do it all those two weeks. I called on my village to come help me at night with the kids, drive my oldest to preschool, cook, laundry, all the things. While I typically feel like a burden when asking for help, what I found was that everyone was perfectly happy to do it. This is what I’m thankful for.

I felt like such a failure for not being able to complete the 1,523 things I was doing in a day. But it made me realize what is truly important in a day. It’s not the laundry getting done. It’s not the house being spotless. It’s not all the toys picked up. It’s not running errands. It’s not even showering. It’s the time I spend with my family and village. It’s the laughs about mom not being able to move. It’s my husband not caring one iota what the house looked like. It’s the seven books I read to my kids each night because I didn’t want to get out of the bed.  This is what I’m thankful for.

In addition to my physical injury, I have been on a bit of a mental roller coaster as well.  When Beads became available for pre-order, as excited as I was, my anxiety began getting the best of me.  I didn’t notice it was happening until one day I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. I immediately scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist because it finally dawned on me what the source of this feeling was: my most honest and raw truth being out in the world. And though that feeling has never and would never deter me from the release of my book, that feeling is real and scary and anxiety ridden. And while I may have buried this feeling in the past, I didn’t. I spoke up, saw my doc, increased my medication and took care of myself. This is what I’m thankful for.  

Now that my ankle has mostly healed, and I am in a much calmer head space, I am so thankful. Thankful for all the big things like my kids, husband, family, my health, my house. But also the little things. For a hot second, I was thankful I could do the laundry again. Don’t worry though. That didn’t last long.

All joking aside, I am thankful for all the little things. To quote Robert Brault,

         “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

In my mind, the thankful bead mimics Brault’s words – it’s a huge bead, made up of several smaller ones. Being able to dance in the kitchen with my kids, talk to my mom four times a day, go to tumble classes with my best friend and our kids, hang out in the cul-de-sac with our neighbors, have girls nights, go on date nights. And that once “ridiculous” idea two years ago that has now become a book.

Happy Birthday to Beads and Happy Thanksgiving week to all. May you all cherish what you are thankful for and have the best turkey day!