My Village Bead

We all know the common saying, “it takes a village to raise a child.” And yes, that is so so true. But I think it takes a village to actually do life. Think about it. If we all had to go through life completely alone, would any of us even be here? Deep and quite sad thought, I know. But in all seriousness, without my village, I absolutely would not be here. And I don’t think many others would be either.

Take a step back from whatever you are doing right this very minute. Clear your mind the best you can. Think about who and what are in your village. If you’ve never thought about it before, consider this an excellent time to. If you have thought about it before, consider this an excellent reminder. Ask yourself these questions:

1.       When you think about your village, do you smile?

2.       Are you happy with who and what is in your village?

3.       Have you told your village lately how grateful you are for them?

A village can be made up of so many different people and things. Regardless of how you answered the questions above, your village is whatever you need it to be. There is no “right” way to go about it. The most important things are that your village supports you, loves you, allows you to feel less alone in this world. And if that is made up of one person or 50, it’s yours. Whatever works for you.

Now, if you found yourself answering “no” to any of the questions above, that is totally okay. Villages can get complicated. For instance, people can be in your village, but they can still be toxic to you. And it’s really up to us as individuals to determine what to do about that toxicity. The complication comes if that toxic person is say a family member or a spouse or a child or a friend you have known for 23 years. And maybe you have never really realized just how much negativity the toxicity is causing in your life. Maybe you have, and you don’t know how to approach the issue. Maybe you have, but you have tried to push it out of your mind. Whatever the case may be, it’s something to think about, and eventually act on if necessary.

Villages transform, just as people do. I have found that in different seasons of my life, people in my village have served different purposes. Some have stayed, some have gone, some have resurfaced. It may be the friend you haven’t spoken with in years suddenly comes back into your life unexpectedly. Or that person you depended on so heavily for so long has drifted in a different life direction. It has taken me a long time to realize that whatever the circumstance may be, it is okay that my village has transformed over the years.

Right now, in this very season of my life, my village is rock solid. I have a marriage that is full of consistent work but also full of so much support and love. Danny has transformed as a village member throughout our 11 years together. He has been my shoulder to cry on, my punching bag when I couldn’t yell at anyone else, my supporter through all of my hardships and major life decisions, and most importantly my friend and co-parent. Since he has no plans on leaving my village, we work through the transformations and the obstacles on a regular basis. And it’s not easy. And it’s not enjoyable at times. But it is worth it because my village wouldn’t be my village without him in it.

I have friendships that are the type of friendships I will have until I am old and gray. These friends have also transformed with me over the years. Those college friends you partied with come into the “real” world with you, start professional lives, and then find significant others, become married couples with you, and many have become parents with me. We aren’t the same people we were 10 and 15 years ago, but they have remained in my village.

I also have those friendships and acquaintances that haven’t been around as long, but they may as well have been. Ever meet someone and literally say, “wow, I feel like I have known you for years!”? I love when that happens. When everything just clicks and it’s effortless in a way. I am all about friendships where there is no judgement, no hassle, and both parties involved have a genuine care for one another.  

I consider myself especially fortunate when it comes to my family. While there lots of moving pieces to it, for the most part, it all functions just the way I need it to. This part of my village has been at my beck and call through periods of my life, supports me with no questions asked, and is always down for a good time. Through the thick and the thin, my family has been there and always will be.  Our immediate families also live close by, adding an extra village bonus.

For all the parts of my village, that are both separate and overlapping, you all make me smile, you all make me so happy, and I am so incredibly grateful for all of you!

However your village bead looks, whether it be small or large, multi-colored or one color, misshapen or perfectly round, my hope is that everyone has one. Life is hard. And without feeling like you’re going through it with others, it can get lonely. And with loneliness comes a slew of other unwanted emotions, at least in my personal experience. Referring back to my questions above, take a moment and reflect on your village. Adjust it if needed and go give giant bear hugs to the rest. It is the holiday season, after all.

The Thankful Bead

Today is Beads’ official birthday! Cue the shocked face, heart eyes, head exploding, muscle flexing, teeth showing smiley emojis at once! It still blows my mind. Talk about something to be thankful for. I have been reflecting A LOT over the past few months. About life, my family, the rape, my marriage, friendships. And I must say, I have so much to be thankful for. Not just in the cliché, hey Thanksgiving is in two days, let’s find things to be thankful for, kind of way. But really truly thankful for where I am in my life and the people and things that are in it. 

A few months ago, I severely sprained my ankle, leaving me unable to drive or walk without assistance. I had one of those huge black boots that goes up to the bottom of your kneecap. And then on top of that, I had a scooter to get around on. Yes, please take a moment to picture me wheeling around my house, one leg up, literally rolling from the couch to the kitchen to the bathroom and back to the couch. That was my existence for about two weeks. Now, in the grand scheme of things, one may not think two weeks is that long. But let me tell you, it was the most agonizingly long two weeks I’ve experienced in a really long time.

As hellacious as it was, the ankle sprain spawned some pretty deep reflection. For one, it forced me to slow down and realize how fast I was moving through my days. I was like a ping pong ball, bouncing from here to there, mentally and physically. So, when the sprain happened, I quite literally had to stop. Everything I had planned those two weeks was wiped from my calendar. My days were filled with compression, elevation, ice, and rest on repeat.

I realized I don’t do well with sitting, as in the physical act of sitting down for say longer than a minute. Nothing like a physical injury to “teach” me how to sit on the couch. But I learned. I realized I don’t like to ask for help. I am a “I can do it all” type of person, however I couldn’t do it all those two weeks. I called on my village to come help me at night with the kids, drive my oldest to preschool, cook, laundry, all the things. While I typically feel like a burden when asking for help, what I found was that everyone was perfectly happy to do it. This is what I’m thankful for.

I felt like such a failure for not being able to complete the 1,523 things I was doing in a day. But it made me realize what is truly important in a day. It’s not the laundry getting done. It’s not the house being spotless. It’s not all the toys picked up. It’s not running errands. It’s not even showering. It’s the time I spend with my family and village. It’s the laughs about mom not being able to move. It’s my husband not caring one iota what the house looked like. It’s the seven books I read to my kids each night because I didn’t want to get out of the bed.  This is what I’m thankful for.

In addition to my physical injury, I have been on a bit of a mental roller coaster as well.  When Beads became available for pre-order, as excited as I was, my anxiety began getting the best of me.  I didn’t notice it was happening until one day I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. I immediately scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist because it finally dawned on me what the source of this feeling was: my most honest and raw truth being out in the world. And though that feeling has never and would never deter me from the release of my book, that feeling is real and scary and anxiety ridden. And while I may have buried this feeling in the past, I didn’t. I spoke up, saw my doc, increased my medication and took care of myself. This is what I’m thankful for.  

Now that my ankle has mostly healed, and I am in a much calmer head space, I am so thankful. Thankful for all the big things like my kids, husband, family, my health, my house. But also the little things. For a hot second, I was thankful I could do the laundry again. Don’t worry though. That didn’t last long.

All joking aside, I am thankful for all the little things. To quote Robert Brault,

         “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.”

In my mind, the thankful bead mimics Brault’s words – it’s a huge bead, made up of several smaller ones. Being able to dance in the kitchen with my kids, talk to my mom four times a day, go to tumble classes with my best friend and our kids, hang out in the cul-de-sac with our neighbors, have girls nights, go on date nights. And that once “ridiculous” idea two years ago that has now become a book.

Happy Birthday to Beads and Happy Thanksgiving week to all. May you all cherish what you are thankful for and have the best turkey day!