The Love Bead

“But not just romantic love; familial love, platonic love. A person needs it all, unconditionally….”

Impeccably stated and so incredibly true. These words, written by Katherine Turner, author of Finding Annie set to debut this April, open our eyes to how fragile we all are. Behind our tough exteriors, we are all in need of love, from all of our relationships in life.

As we are deep into the month of love, I wanted to highlight a beautiful, imperfectly perfect love story I read in January. Once again, yes, I have already read a book this year. I am just as shocked as you. Katherine and I connected over my memoir, Beads, and what an amazing connection it was and and continues to be. There are people in life I believe you are meant to meet, and she is certainly one of them. When she asked me to give her book a read, I said yes with absolutely no hesitation.

I read Finding Annie in three days. It resonated with me in countless ways; its writing style, its character development, its raw thoughts and emotions. I couldn’t stop reading, my husband amazed that I was forgoing our favorite TV shows in order to read.

Annie is a woman with a complex past, full of abuse, neglect, abandonment, and disappointment. Suffering from PTSD, she feels unworthy of love and is inundated with anxiety and depression. A character I relate to all too well. While some could view her as “damaged goods”, she has such a beautiful nature about her. She holds a calming presence, despite her ever-swirling panicked thoughts and fears. I was drawn to her immediately. Her strength, her vulnerability, her innocence. I felt like I knew her after only the first few chapters.

Finding Annie instantly immerses you into Annie’s life, her mind, her deep thoughts and scary feelings. Having suffered from anxiety and depression myself, I was able to feel and understand exactly how Annie was feeling. However, even if one has never suffered from either of these conditions, Katherine does an impeccable job of portraying the inner workings of anxiety. The constant destructive thoughts, the nervousness in unfamiliar situations, the physical component, the desire to withdraw, the self-doubt. Annie experiences all of this and in turn, I did, too.

Despite Annie’s fears and anxiety-ridden moments, she finds herself in an intense love triangle. And this is truly one of the book’s most meaningful messages: everyone is deserving of love, regardless of their past, their mental health state, their day to day struggles. Annie desperately tries to alienate herself and diminish her self-worth time and time again.

But love wins time and time again. And not just any love. The deepest love. The type of love that isn’t perfect by any means but is untouchable. A love so genuine, you feel it as the reader. I won’t give away how the love triangle becomes a love duo, but let’s just say you will be rooting for this duo throughout.

              “Then that’s all that matters, love. We’ll figure out the rest, I promise. It’s you and me, always.”

The obstacles Annie overcomes in her life are astounding. She is a survivor who is continuously working to get to the other side of childhood trauma, sexual abuse, rape, and a physical encounter with a demon of her past. You will ride along with her through the ups and the downs and everything in between. And by the end, you will be wanting more. It’s as if my favorite TV show just aired its initial season finale. Thankfully, this is the first book of several in what Katherine titles, the “Life Imperfect” series. I now impatiently wait for the second “season”.

The love bead is sacred. My hope is that every single person has it, as we are all deserving of it. Love is love. No race, gender, age, religion, mental state, political stance, or anything else dictates who and how we love. So go hug your loved ones near and call your loved ones far. Embrace differences and cherish similarities. And love with your whole heart.

“Finding Annie” is now available for pre-order on Amazon and Barnes and Noble . You can learn more about Katherine through her blog on her website, kturnerwrites.com.

P.S. No candy/baked goods/ice cream month is far more difficult than no alcohol month. I will be having a giant bowl of ice cream topped with cookies, cake, pie, fudge, 4 different types of candy bars, and chocolate sprinkles on March 1.

The Mental Health Bead

True statement: I have struggled with my mental health for much of my life. And I hate to use the word “struggled” because I find that it puts a negative connotation on it. But it is also fitting because parts of my life really have been a struggle because of it. The term “mental health” encompasses many things. I want to dive into my personal experiences with it, those of anxiety and depression.

People are sometimes very surprised to hear that yes, I am one of the 40 million adults in the United States affected by anxiety (1) and one of the 322 million people worldwide living with depression (2). I’ve heard everything from, “But you are so happy and you laugh, so how can you be depressed?” to “You have a great husband, great kids, a great house, what more could you want?” Nice, huh?

Yes, technically those statements are correct. I am happy and I do laugh. Sadly, that is sometimes a front, and all I actually want to do is go lay in bed. I do have a great husband, great kids, a great house. Sadly, those things sometimes don’t matter when all I can think about is how helpless I feel.

“BE KIND ALWAYS, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A BATTLE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT”

I don’t think this concept is practiced enough. Behind someone’s tough exterior could lie one that is broken. Behind someone’s smile could lie tears. Behind someone’s laughter could lie cries.  Behind someone’s bubbly personality could lie one that is deflated. At points in my life, I have been all of these examples. And I did such an incredible job of hiding my battles so that no one would know. After all, actually admitting out loud that you are depressed is not often well received. It makes people uncomfortable.

I would avoid it at all costs because who am I to provoke such discomfort. I would then find myself changing how I acted and felt to please others, which would in turn just make me feel worse, perpetuating the vicious cycle.

For me, depression usually manifests itself in waves. At times, I would dread getting out of bed in the morning, knowing I didn’t have a choice. Or I would go to a bathroom stall in the middle of my workday and just cry. Or I’d spend an entire weekend in bed, in and out of sleep, riddled with my own mind. I haven’t had one of these waves in quite some time, which I am thankful for. What is important to note, however, is that a wave of depression doesn’t have to be triggered by anything. It can simply just be. There is no fix, there is no reason, there is no way to stop it. I want to squash the common misconception that those who have depression can just choose to be happy. Because that’s not the way it works. Not even a little bit.

Anxiety is depression’s pesky little friend. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America states that “nearly one-half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.” I am one of those half. Lucky me. I would say that over the past few years, I have been plagued with anxiety more so than depression. And I would argue that it is equally if not more so debilitating. Imagine your mind racing through a thousand thoughts all at once, snowballing to worst case scenarios, you feel a pit in your stomach beginning to form, heart rate increasing, you’re sweating from being suddenly incredibly hot.

This is how I would describe one of my particularly bad anxiety attacks. To top it off, you are trying so hard to bring yourself out of it, but you just can’t. It’s scary. It’s frustrating. It’s awful. And it can really come about at any time, from anything. A trigger, trying to fall asleep at night, a social environment, the grocery store. As if life isn’t hard enough.

So, what have I personally done to manage my depression and anxiety? Years of therapy and years of medication. Thankfully, I have become quite skilled at recognizing when a wave of depression or an attack of anxiety hits. I wasn’t always, though. Unfortunately, for so many this is not the case, leaving them to continue suffering without help. This is devastating to me. And while I am in no way telling anyone how to handle their mental health, therapy and medication has made me a better person. It doesn’t all happen overnight. Believe me, I have tried most medications out there before finding what actually worked for me. Same goes for therapists. Just because someone is a therapist does not mean they are the right fit for you. So, if you have to shop around, that is okay.

Then, there is the stigma around mental health – that you’re a crazy person if you have to go see a therapist or take medication. And is depression even real? To which my response is usually, “you do you. I will do me.” Easier said than done, but it does shut people up.  

The mental health bead is such an important one. It most likely is not the most beautiful and perhaps it lives on the end of your necklace, hidden behind your neck near the clasp. And that’s okay. But the more we talk about mental health, the more comfortable it becomes. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It doesn’t have to be hidden, but it can be. Just know, you aren’t alone. I’m in this fight with you. And so, I circle back to the quote above, “Be kind always, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” You just never really know. Take care of yourself. Take care of others.

P.S. Happy end of Sober January. I made it. Happy beginning of “no candy, cake, or ice cream” February. Wish me luck.

(1) “Facts and Statistics.” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, 2010-2018, https://adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

(2) “Depression.” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, 2010-2018, https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/depression