The Grateful Bead

Nobody’s life is perfect. Not your best friend’s. Not your boss’. Not your neighbor’s. Not the lives of the rich and the famous. Not Instagram lives. And certainly not mine.

We all do the best we can. Sometimes more, sometimes less. And sometimes, your best is barely anything at all. Not all that long ago, that is exactly where I was. In fact, I think I had been there for a while, but the reality had not floated up to the surface quite yet.

In my everyday life, I am a relatively private person when it comes to the real, the raw, the ugly things. Aside from that whole memoir I wrote, where I was about as candid as I could be, I tend to stick to my safe circle so as to not burden anyone or I simply convince myself that I’m fine. A decent short-term solution, but after a while, it goes to shit.  

Ever have that feeling of helplessness where deep inside you know you need to do something about it, but you just don’t have the energy to, let alone an idea of where to begin? Depression at its finest. It is not a fun spot to be in, I will tell you that. And what’s worse? I did not even realize I was in that spot until I hit what I like to call a “mental health rock bottom.”

Depression is an anomaly to me. It can have many causes or none at all. It just is. And it festers and surges when you least expect it. It is scary and daunting and hard. And it is honestly not a place I had been in for a while.

Here is where my gratefulness comes in. I am grateful that I recognized within myself that I needed help and allowed myself to accept it. I am grateful for my support circle, that rarely sees my inner demons, for helping me with this recognition and nicely forcing me to unload. I am grateful that I did hit a mental health rock bottom because there is really nowhere to go from there but up. I am grateful for not feeling judged. I am grateful for my voice to be of help to others. I am grateful for therapy. And I am grateful for medication that helps to treat depression so that I do not have to suffer, and furthermore suffer in silence.

Therapy is hard. I had not been in a very long time. That notion of convincing myself I was fine, most likely. As my reality slowing began entering my conscious, I began realizing I was not practicing what I preached. I was not taking care of myself. I was not taking care of much of anything. This bout of depression resulted in survival mode. And overeating, increased alcohol consumption, the desire to sleep away the day. All in my attempts to “numb” myself and tell myself I was fine. Enter GUILT. I really beat myself up over this. How could I let myself get to this point?

Therefore, back to therapy I went. “All” it took to make the first step was making that initial call to book an appointment. Seems easy right? Not at all. It was something I should have done months and months ago, but in the spirit of practicing what I preach, I am being gentle with myself because that is honestly the best and only way to be.   

I am grateful to say, that right now I am still consistently going to therapy once a week. There is nothing quite like the relief of getting everything off your chest that you may or may not even know was there in the first place. I am transitioning to a new medication to further assist. Eating a bit better, drinking a lot less. I am nowhere near perfect (because remember, nobody is), nor am I striving to be. Progress is key here. And actively practicing self-care and self-love.

So there it is. The real, the raw, the ugly. It is ok to not be ok. There is no shame. Try to control the guilt. And be gentle with yourself – cannot emphasize this enough. This is probably not what you thought you would read from a blog titled, “The Grateful Bead”. But in all honestly, I could not write about anything else. To those in my same boat, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I am with you.

The grateful bead can be quite multifaceted. Everyone’s bead encapsulates many different things and many similar as well. Whatever you are grateful for right now, embrace it. Cherish it. Recognize it.

I hope everyone is hanging in there and has a relaxing and bountiful holiday. It is the most wonderful time of the year, after all 😉

P.S. Beads’ FIRST birthday is on November 26! She loves all things teal, jewelry of course, and anything sparkly. The happiest of birthdays to my most favorite book!

The Mental Health Bead

True statement: I have struggled with my mental health for much of my life. And I hate to use the word “struggled” because I find that it puts a negative connotation on it. But it is also fitting because parts of my life really have been a struggle because of it. The term “mental health” encompasses many things. I want to dive into my personal experiences with it, those of anxiety and depression.

People are sometimes very surprised to hear that yes, I am one of the 40 million adults in the United States affected by anxiety (1) and one of the 322 million people worldwide living with depression (2). I’ve heard everything from, “But you are so happy and you laugh, so how can you be depressed?” to “You have a great husband, great kids, a great house, what more could you want?” Nice, huh?

Yes, technically those statements are correct. I am happy and I do laugh. Sadly, that is sometimes a front, and all I actually want to do is go lay in bed. I do have a great husband, great kids, a great house. Sadly, those things sometimes don’t matter when all I can think about is how helpless I feel.

“BE KIND ALWAYS, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A BATTLE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT”

I don’t think this concept is practiced enough. Behind someone’s tough exterior could lie one that is broken. Behind someone’s smile could lie tears. Behind someone’s laughter could lie cries.  Behind someone’s bubbly personality could lie one that is deflated. At points in my life, I have been all of these examples. And I did such an incredible job of hiding my battles so that no one would know. After all, actually admitting out loud that you are depressed is not often well received. It makes people uncomfortable.

I would avoid it at all costs because who am I to provoke such discomfort. I would then find myself changing how I acted and felt to please others, which would in turn just make me feel worse, perpetuating the vicious cycle.

For me, depression usually manifests itself in waves. At times, I would dread getting out of bed in the morning, knowing I didn’t have a choice. Or I would go to a bathroom stall in the middle of my workday and just cry. Or I’d spend an entire weekend in bed, in and out of sleep, riddled with my own mind. I haven’t had one of these waves in quite some time, which I am thankful for. What is important to note, however, is that a wave of depression doesn’t have to be triggered by anything. It can simply just be. There is no fix, there is no reason, there is no way to stop it. I want to squash the common misconception that those who have depression can just choose to be happy. Because that’s not the way it works. Not even a little bit.

Anxiety is depression’s pesky little friend. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America states that “nearly one-half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.” I am one of those half. Lucky me. I would say that over the past few years, I have been plagued with anxiety more so than depression. And I would argue that it is equally if not more so debilitating. Imagine your mind racing through a thousand thoughts all at once, snowballing to worst case scenarios, you feel a pit in your stomach beginning to form, heart rate increasing, you’re sweating from being suddenly incredibly hot.

This is how I would describe one of my particularly bad anxiety attacks. To top it off, you are trying so hard to bring yourself out of it, but you just can’t. It’s scary. It’s frustrating. It’s awful. And it can really come about at any time, from anything. A trigger, trying to fall asleep at night, a social environment, the grocery store. As if life isn’t hard enough.

So, what have I personally done to manage my depression and anxiety? Years of therapy and years of medication. Thankfully, I have become quite skilled at recognizing when a wave of depression or an attack of anxiety hits. I wasn’t always, though. Unfortunately, for so many this is not the case, leaving them to continue suffering without help. This is devastating to me. And while I am in no way telling anyone how to handle their mental health, therapy and medication has made me a better person. It doesn’t all happen overnight. Believe me, I have tried most medications out there before finding what actually worked for me. Same goes for therapists. Just because someone is a therapist does not mean they are the right fit for you. So, if you have to shop around, that is okay.

Then, there is the stigma around mental health – that you’re a crazy person if you have to go see a therapist or take medication. And is depression even real? To which my response is usually, “you do you. I will do me.” Easier said than done, but it does shut people up.  

The mental health bead is such an important one. It most likely is not the most beautiful and perhaps it lives on the end of your necklace, hidden behind your neck near the clasp. And that’s okay. But the more we talk about mental health, the more comfortable it becomes. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It doesn’t have to be hidden, but it can be. Just know, you aren’t alone. I’m in this fight with you. And so, I circle back to the quote above, “Be kind always, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” You just never really know. Take care of yourself. Take care of others.

P.S. Happy end of Sober January. I made it. Happy beginning of “no candy, cake, or ice cream” February. Wish me luck.

(1) “Facts and Statistics.” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, 2010-2018, https://adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

(2) “Depression.” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, 2010-2018, https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/depression