The "Let's Talk About It" Bead

Hello! In the spirit of keeping things interesting, I have started a new LIVE series on Instagram called “Let’s Talk About It!” For the time being, this series will essentially be the video, or “Vlog” if you will, version of The Beaded Survivor.

“Let’s Talk About It” will be a collection of yours truly discussing taboo topics, with my take as a rape survivor. Pretty interesting, right? I think so. Topics will range anywhere from self-care to taking medication to reporting rape.

So head on over to Instagram and check out my series @rbrookswriter 😊

Stay well, friends!  

P.S. I will also be posting links to my weekly episodes, should you like to follow that way!

The (Somewhat) Refreshed Bead

I’m back! Happy Spring! Happy Easter! Happy belated St. Patrick’s Day! Oh what a month it has been. As life typically goes, the month of March was a “break” from the writing world yes, but quite crazy in the life world!

On the exciting news front, I have started a new JOB as a part-time project manager for a video production company based here out of Raleigh.  And I am really enjoying it. I did not realize how much I missed the structure of working, as I had been out of the “outside” work force for almost three years. Side note - I say “outside”, meaning working outside the home, because I certainly did not stop working. I just began working in a different way. Becoming an author and a parent to a second kiddo were two of the best parts of that different path. And now, I have changed things up again!

On the not so exciting news front, we have had a slew of fun homeowner issues arise over the past few weeks. Let’s just say what was supposed to be a lovely family photo session ended with ripping the ceiling off our porch, but don’t worry, we got some beautiful shots! Entire family sat on our swinging porch bench, which definitely was not equipped to hold all four of us, and down we all went crashing to the porch floor, bringing the porch ceiling down with us. Lovely. Throw in some water damage, a cracked garage door frame and a partridge in a pear tree. You get the picture. But at the end of the day, these things can be fixed and while it is not ideal, it certainly isn’t the end of the world.

Back to the exciting news front, it is April, which means it is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This month will always have a special place in my heart, as I thoroughly enjoy participating in as many awareness raising things as possible. That being said, I am so very honored to say that I am starting a “Sipping with Survivors” Instagram live series, and it is kicking off THIS Sunday. I will be chatting with several amazing guests over the next month and beyond about a series of different subjects relating to sexual assault/trauma. The lineup is as follows:

-          Survivors to Thrivers – Sunday, April 11 at 5PM (a happy-hour kick-off!)

-          Survivor Sisters – Sunday, April 18 at 10AM

-          Surviving Childhood Trauma – Sunday, April 25 at 10AM

-          Voices of Hope – Saturday, May 2 at 10AM

I am working on a few other exciting ventures (including being a guest HOST on a fabulous podcast!!!), but will keep those under wraps for now!

Stay tuned and stay well, y’all 😊

The Break Bead

We are all in need of breaks, however we rarely take them. For me, this stems from my constant need to be productive, stay on top of everything from housework to appointments to all things kids, and just feel an overall sense of accomplishment. But in the spirit of following my own advice, I am actually going to take a break. Not from real life, obviously, but from some of my author platforms.

For the month of March, my author social media accounts and blog will be taking a breather. As much as I love connecting with survivors, other authors and writers, and each of you, this will be a nice reset. As it happens, I am transitioning into a few new and exciting things, and this will give me a chance to get into a new groove.

But never fear, I am not going anywhere. Just taking a break in one aspect of my life, which I encourage each of you to do, too, if necessary. That’s the beauty of breaks. They don’t have to be permanent. And they don’t have to be all encompassing.

So this is goodbye for now, not forever. Get ready for April, as it is not only my birthday month, but also Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and we have loads of amazing ventures on the horizon. In the meantime, stay sane, stay healthy, and stay true.

*P.S. I can still be reached via my website, so please feel free to contact me if needed!

The Blah Bead

The real-life Groundhog Day was on February 2. But since then, and before if I’m being honest, everyday feels like February 2. I wake up feeling like I just closed my eyes and hit the ground running, scrambling to fix breakfast, get everyone dressed, put on my daily sweatshirt/leggings combo, whisk my littlest off to preschool, and preparing myself as well as my 5-year-old for yet another day of virtual kindergarten. Get it done. Go to sleep. Do it again. All on repeat.

Now let me make a few important disclaimers: I realize my life could be 100 times worse. I realize that I am so incredibly fortunate to have my two sweet kiddos. I realize that we have the option to stay home and stay safe during this pandemic. I realize all of this. But in my efforts to stay fully honest and transparent, life is wearing on me right now. And also, we should never invalidate our own situations and feelings just because someone else could have it worse. Someone will always have it worse. Someone will always have it better. But we have no control over that.

What we do have control over is validating ourselves and eliminating the comparison to the best of our abilities.

So back to this Groundhog Day business, part of me wants to jet set to somewhere tropical and float in a pool with a drink in hand for two weeks. And then the other part of me wants to wake up naturally, perhaps around 9AM, and then decide if and when I will get out of bed. To then be followed by an entire day of TV binging. A girl can dream.

I think what this boils down to is burnout. A weird type of burnout, but burnout, nonetheless. Despite the mundane nature of our days right now, they are busy in their own way, making them exhausting.

So what do we do about it? For starters, accept these feelings and know that it is totally valid to feel this way. I am the first person to beat myself up over a lack of productivity, letting my kids spend hours on screens, not having a whole week of meals planned out, and the infinite list goes on. But this week, I caught myself. Even better, I caught myself during a therapy session.

I basically started my session saying that I am just blah. I had no other way to describe it. There has been nothing catastrophic, earth shattering, life altering. Just blah. As we dissected this notion further, I began to stumble across some acceptance and grace for myself. It’s ok to feel blah. It’s ok to have no daily plan. It’s ok to pick your clean clothes out of the laundry basket that’s been sitting there for three days. It’s ok to escape through a TV show (side note – I am binging one of my all-time favorite shows, Dawson’s Creek on Netflix right now and reliving my best 90s days). It’s all ok.

Sure there may be some underlying elements of depression to this, which I am no stranger to. I thankfully also notice this and see a psychiatrist regularly, in addition to my therapist. I am basically a walking advertisement for mental health. But again, it’s ok.

The best takeaway from this week’s therapy session was when my therapist said, “the next time you find yourself beating yourself up for feeling blah or not being productive or whatever the case may be, change your tune to say ‘what is one thing I can do for myself?’” It won’t always work out perfectly, but if we don’t at least try, it never will.  Even if it’s going into your closet for 5 minutes while your kids jump on your bed. Just try.

For those feeling blah, burnt out, low, on an endless Groundhog Day loop, I see you. Hang in there and let yourself feel it.

Stay well, friends 😊

The Apology Bead

I was in the grocery store the other day and another customer and I both landed at the same spot in an aisle, needing something from the same shelf. I immediately said to that person, “Whoops, I’m so sorry!”, feeling like I did something wrong. But what exactly did I do to warrant an apology? Absolutely nothing. So why did I do that?

I started thinking about this very question, probably a little too much to be honest. And what I realized is that I say sorry ALL THE TIME. It just rolls off my tongue like nothing and half the time I don’t even think about it. So I ask again, why?

Historically, society has taught us (women especially) to be nice, polite, not take up too much space, stay quiet, tend to our womanly duties, whatever the hell those might be, yada yada. Now, we have obviously come leaps and bounds from these ridiculous standards, but I feel that bits and pieces remain. Hence, the reason we immediately feel the need to apologize – it’s like we are breaking a rule.

When I had the grocery aisle encounter, I was in someone’s way. I was taking up too much space, disabling someone else to do what they needed. I instantly felt bad. How dare I be the one who needed something. This may sound silly, but I find myself in these types of situations quite frequently. And now that I am aware of it, I want to make a conscious effort to stop.

This boils down to a learned behavior. Where I learned it, who knows. But I learned it. And it’s time to unlearn it, which takes time and effort. For starters, you can be damn sure I won’t be apologizing the next time I need the same thing off the shelf at the grocery store. A simple “pardon me” will do.

We apologize for so much. Our opinions. Our decisions. Our parenting techniques. Our beliefs. Our fatigue. Our frustrations. Our feelings. I could go on and on. And please take note that my list does not entail an actual reason to apologize. A mistake. An error in judgement. A snide remark. A deliberate attack. (For the record, please do apologize when you see fit to do so.) It’s as if we apologize so much when we don’t need to that when it’s actually warranted, it may not come off as sincere.

Back to unlearning this behavior, I have a few ideas on how to do this:

1. Catch yourself saying “I’m sorry”. If it is necessary, say it. If you can say something different, like “excuse me” or “go ahead, I’ll wait” or flat out nothing, then do so.  

2. Realize that you never need to apologize for who you are. You are you and are entitled to your own opinions, decisions, beliefs, feelings. I’m right there with you in needing to realize this. I am a people pleaser to the nth degree and never want anyone to be upset with me. But realizing that if someone is upset with me because of the list above, that’s on them, NOT me.

3. Give yourself some grace. If you’re having a tough day, there’s no need to be sorry about it. If you’re tired, there’s no need to be sorry about it. If you need to just go to bed so the next day will start sooner, there’s no need to be sorry about it.

The apology bead is one we may not think about enough. But it certainly plays into the rest of the beads, perhaps not allowing them the space and color they need. Apologize when it’s necessary. Do not when it isn’t. Seems so black and white, but as we know, nothing is quite black and white these days.

Stay well, friends!

P.S. Sober January is quite tough, but we are still going strong on day 19! The Real Food Reset has been AMAZING - clean eating is life changing.

The Me Bead

Now I know this sounds a bit selfish, but I promise it’s not. Well maybe a little. But everyone deserves to be a little selfish, right? In my honest opinion, people are sometimes not selfish enough, and furthermore feel guilty doing so. This can lead to a whole slew of things like burnout, depression, increased anxiety, poor health, and the list goes on. 

Also, welcome to 2021. 

In the spirit of this new year, I have a very different mindset than the last. First being that I have absolutely NO expectations. And I mean zero. I am starting this year from the ground up and am taking it one day at a time. Which in turn, will hopefully allow myself to focus a little more on me. What does this actually look like?

I wouldn’t necessarily call these “new year’s resolutions” per se, more so focal points that I lost focus on in the year that shall remain nameless. So here we go:

1. Sober January. I have done it the past couple of years, and the cleanse has done wonders for my physical and mental wellbeing. I am successfully on day 5, as of today.  

2. Rethinking nutrition. My husband and I are embarking on a 21-day “Real Food Reset” through a local nutrition coach. For the next 19 days (we started yesterday), we will be eliminating grains, added sugars, alcohol (which we had already decided on anyway), hydrating, and doing some form of movement for 15 minutes. I think the key here is not going absolutely bananas with everything. Did I get on the scale yesterday? Yes. Was it scary? Yes. Am I going to go through carb withdrawal? Yes. Sugar cravings? Yes. But It’s all about progress over perfection. It’s truly not about the number on the scale for me. It’s about feeling better, physically and mentally, and believing in myself enough to complete these 21 days. And yes we are eliminating things, but there is no calorie counting, which historically has made me go a bit insane. And we aren’t diving into these hour-long crazy workouts. 15 minutes of anything: a walk, lifting weights, stretching. I can do anything for 15 minutes.  

3. Consistently asking for help. This is tough for me, because I am definitely the type to take everything on and Do. It. All. And yes, I may get it all done. But then what happens? I crash. I become irritable. I become resentful. I have a very short fuse that gets taken out on my kids and husband. Bottom line: it doesn’t all have to get done all the time. Ask for help.  

4. Journaling. I know I am not alone in this – every time I write my thoughts and feelings, whatever may be on my mind, my anxiety levels instantly drop. It’s like I’m having a therapy session with my pen and paper. I get everything “off” my chest, onto the paper, and close the book, keeping the fears and worries in the form of words on paper, rather than thoughts in my head. This year, I am going to spend more time doing this, plain and simple.  

5. “Me” time every single day. This is something I have struggled with over the past year. We give and give and give ourselves to everything to make the world turn. Our kids, our significant others, our jobs, our sorrows, our tragedies. And what is the first thing to go when all of these things are at the forefront? Me. (and you). Without spending time on ourselves, we slowly become unable to spend time on everything else. So, this “me” time can look like anything. It doesn’t have to cost money. It doesn’t have to be fancy. But it needs to happen. Encourage others in your family and friend circle to do it too, including your kids (a little tip I picked up in my last therapy session!) Kids need “me” time just as much as we do.  I personally plan on spending some time on the floor of my closet journaling. It’s cozy and quaint, and if I’m super careful, no one can find me for a good 10 minutes.

There is a cycle here. A method to my madness. The more I focus on my physical health, the more it helps my mental health, therefore the more motivated I am to ask for help, journal, and ensure I have enough me time.

See? The me bead isn’t as self-centered as it initially sounded. It’s going to look different for everyone, but I encourage you all to identify five focal points for yourself. And in turn, your world will hopefully turn a little easier, a little happier, a little less stressed. And maybe, just maybe, 2021 won’t be half bad. But remember, no expectations 😊

The Rest Bead

I’m keeping this one short and sweet in the midst of the holiday craziness, but wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday season filled with love and joy. This has been an incredibly difficult year and I can’t think of a better time for all of us to slow down and rest. Whether that means watching hours of Netflix in your PJs or spending 5 minutes alone in your car (if you know, you know), I hope you are able to recharge over the next couple weeks. I firmly believe that one of the best things we can do for ourselves and for those around us, is to rest and recharge. Be gentle with yourselves and find little things you can do for YOU.

I also wanted to congratulate our Instagram giveaway winner, Christi Bragg!! Thanks so much fo everyone for entering and for supporting me and the incredible Intentional Ten brand. If one of your goals for the New Year is to live more intentionally, I encourage you to check out the Intentional Living Challenge, where you will join Christina in one month of journaling, mindfulness, and more! Learn more here.

One more thing, for those of you who are looking for last-minute gifts, I’m linking to my most recent newsletter highlighting some of my favorite North Carolina small businesses! We’re so lucky to have such an amazing community of unique shops, especially this time of year. They need our support now more than ever! View the newsletter by hitting the button below and have a happy and safe holiday season!!

The Giving Bead

My mom came across this amazing quote on Oprah Magazine’s Instagram account (she had “regram-ed” it from @fredandfar), “I thought 2020 would be the year I got everything I wanted. Now I know 2020 is the year I appreciate everything I have.” And thankfully she shared it with me. She is very kind.

I sat with this quote for a bit and am still sitting with it. It really resonates with me. I can also totally relate. I had these grand plans for this year: multi-city book tour, family vacation to the Bahamas, seeing my wedding day weight on the scale, my oldest starting Kindergarten in his elementary school, and the list goes on. And when I realized that all of these wants were not necessarily going to happen (I know the whole wedding weight thing is completely in my control, but stress eating often gets the best of me), it was devastating.

Looking back over this year, however, @fredandfar’s quote comes into play. The appreciation for the luxuries I already have. Going back to those basics I previously wrote about, a home, food, my health, my family’s health, love, warm clothes, a car, access to healthcare, and once again, the list goes on. And I find that this list of haves far exceeds the list of wants. If 2020 has given me anything, it is the gift of time to arrive at these realizations.

The flip side: there are an immense number, some we know, many we do not, of people who do not have the haves they need, let alone the wants. Thus, I want to highlight a few giving opportunities with causes/organizations that are near and dear to my heart and are in need of our help and love.

• InterAct of Wake County – As many of you know, I have been a survivor speaker with InterAct for almost eight years and currently sit on the Board of Directors. This amazing organization is dedicated to saving lives, rebuilding lives, and securing safer futures for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. They anticipate serving 30 individuals in crisis per day in the month of December alone. Do the math. That is nearly 1,000 people in crisis by the end of this year. You read that right. Please visit their website https://interactofwake.org/ to donate today!  

• Jon Clapp, living with ALS – “Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis aka ALS, is a progressive nervous system disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, causing loss of muscle control.” (mayoclinic.org) As I have shared previously, my best friend’s brother-in-law was diagnosed with this debilitating disease earlier this year, at the young age of 39. He is an amazing husband, father of three, son, and brother. Talk about a family that is thankful for what they have and longing for their number one want: time. Time with Jon. Time to make more memories. Time to love each other. Time to get all their ducks in a row before his symptoms get worse. Please visit the GoFundMe set up in Jon’s name to help this wonderful family at https://www.gofundme.com/f/jonathans-als-fundraiser!   

• The Captain’s Hook – Our family came across this company when a dear family friend sent two crocheted koalas to my kiddos. But they are not only beautiful little homemade stuffed animals; they serve a larger purpose. The proceeds generated went 100% to koala rescue in Australia, due to the wildfires. How amazing is that! Melissa Roth, the Massachusetts based owner, also hosts various fundraisers throughout the year for different organizations, benefitting from her beautiful work. Check out her website for a plethora of gorgeous crocheted items and to support important causes around the globe at http://thecaptainshook.com/!  

• Voices of Hope – I have had the pleasure of connecting with Kristine Irwin, who founded this amazing organization dedicated to “ending the stigma that surrounds trauma, with a focus on sexual violence, domestic violence and abuse.” Kristine is a successful author and speaker, who also runs a blog and podcast aimed at empowering survivors to “Unveil their Voice” and find resources to assist with trauma recovery. Please visit Kristine’s beautiful website to learn more about Voices of Hope and donate today at https://www.voices-of-hope.org/!  

The giving bead can take on all different shapes, sizes, and colors. But the important thing is that we have it. Giving does not need to be monetary. Giving does not need to be expansive. It can be both of those things, but they are not required to make a huge difference in someone’s life. So, as we all enter this 2020 holiday season, remember to give in whatever capacity that means for you. Wishing everyone a safe and joyful December 😊

The Grateful Bead

Nobody’s life is perfect. Not your best friend’s. Not your boss’. Not your neighbor’s. Not the lives of the rich and the famous. Not Instagram lives. And certainly not mine.

We all do the best we can. Sometimes more, sometimes less. And sometimes, your best is barely anything at all. Not all that long ago, that is exactly where I was. In fact, I think I had been there for a while, but the reality had not floated up to the surface quite yet.

In my everyday life, I am a relatively private person when it comes to the real, the raw, the ugly things. Aside from that whole memoir I wrote, where I was about as candid as I could be, I tend to stick to my safe circle so as to not burden anyone or I simply convince myself that I’m fine. A decent short-term solution, but after a while, it goes to shit.  

Ever have that feeling of helplessness where deep inside you know you need to do something about it, but you just don’t have the energy to, let alone an idea of where to begin? Depression at its finest. It is not a fun spot to be in, I will tell you that. And what’s worse? I did not even realize I was in that spot until I hit what I like to call a “mental health rock bottom.”

Depression is an anomaly to me. It can have many causes or none at all. It just is. And it festers and surges when you least expect it. It is scary and daunting and hard. And it is honestly not a place I had been in for a while.

Here is where my gratefulness comes in. I am grateful that I recognized within myself that I needed help and allowed myself to accept it. I am grateful for my support circle, that rarely sees my inner demons, for helping me with this recognition and nicely forcing me to unload. I am grateful that I did hit a mental health rock bottom because there is really nowhere to go from there but up. I am grateful for not feeling judged. I am grateful for my voice to be of help to others. I am grateful for therapy. And I am grateful for medication that helps to treat depression so that I do not have to suffer, and furthermore suffer in silence.

Therapy is hard. I had not been in a very long time. That notion of convincing myself I was fine, most likely. As my reality slowing began entering my conscious, I began realizing I was not practicing what I preached. I was not taking care of myself. I was not taking care of much of anything. This bout of depression resulted in survival mode. And overeating, increased alcohol consumption, the desire to sleep away the day. All in my attempts to “numb” myself and tell myself I was fine. Enter GUILT. I really beat myself up over this. How could I let myself get to this point?

Therefore, back to therapy I went. “All” it took to make the first step was making that initial call to book an appointment. Seems easy right? Not at all. It was something I should have done months and months ago, but in the spirit of practicing what I preach, I am being gentle with myself because that is honestly the best and only way to be.   

I am grateful to say, that right now I am still consistently going to therapy once a week. There is nothing quite like the relief of getting everything off your chest that you may or may not even know was there in the first place. I am transitioning to a new medication to further assist. Eating a bit better, drinking a lot less. I am nowhere near perfect (because remember, nobody is), nor am I striving to be. Progress is key here. And actively practicing self-care and self-love.

So there it is. The real, the raw, the ugly. It is ok to not be ok. There is no shame. Try to control the guilt. And be gentle with yourself – cannot emphasize this enough. This is probably not what you thought you would read from a blog titled, “The Grateful Bead”. But in all honestly, I could not write about anything else. To those in my same boat, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I am with you.

The grateful bead can be quite multifaceted. Everyone’s bead encapsulates many different things and many similar as well. Whatever you are grateful for right now, embrace it. Cherish it. Recognize it.

I hope everyone is hanging in there and has a relaxing and bountiful holiday. It is the most wonderful time of the year, after all 😉

P.S. Beads’ FIRST birthday is on November 26! She loves all things teal, jewelry of course, and anything sparkly. The happiest of birthdays to my most favorite book!

The Support Bead

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I feel it is especially prominent in this insane season of life we are all experiencing right now. Given the nature of COVID-19, the lockdowns, the isolation, the inability to travel, and all the other madness, there are people right this very second who are not safe at home.

Think about that. Imagine the very place you try to avoid is the very place you are spending most if not all of your time right now. I personally and thankfully do not face fear, pain, or abuse in my home, but so many do. And right now, they are silenced more than ever. And even more troubling, are living day in and day out with their silencers.

There are several signs of an abusive partner that I previously mentioned on social media (post linked here), and I want to highlight some of these, especially if you or someone you know is in a toxic situation right now.

1.       Telling you that you never do anything right.

2.       Showing extreme jealousy of your friends, seeing it as time spent away from them.

3.       Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers. Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of others.

4.       Preventing you from making your own decisions.

5.       Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions.

Some of these actions may come as a surprise. Some may not. Some may escalate to physical violence. Some may result in emotional and/or verbal abuse. Some may be considered normal. Some may be causing you to think to yourself, wait, I fall into a few of these categories. Whatever the case may be, domestic violence is at an all-time high right now and we as a community must continue to raise awareness about it.

So what can we do to help those in need?

Check in on those you love. Even if you can’t physically see them right now, give them a call or a text. Ask how they are truly doing. Let them know you are a safe and confidential zone. Tell them to say “code” words like “broccoli” or a sentence, “I’m going to cook broccoli for dinner tonight”, if they are in trouble. May sound bogus, but it can work, especially if an abuser is within earshot.

Look into volunteering at a local rape crisis/domestic violence center. My local nonprofit has recently added a chat function to their website to assist those in need. These organizations are still in need of volunteers for all of the virtual work continuing to be done. The simple act of answering phone calls on the crisis line can change someone’s life.  

If donating time is not something you can do right now, donating money is just as essential. Many organizations have lost funding or have received significantly less this year due to the pandemic. They are also gearing up for the holidays, trying to provide clients with some sort of normalcy with regards to gifts for their kids and warm clothing.

The support bead is vitally important all the time, but particularly right now. People are suffering within the four walls of their homes, without a soul knowing about it. It could be your neighbor. It could be your best friend. It could be your parent, sibling, child. However the support bead looks to you, make sure you have it. The smallest action can have the largest impact. And the next time you find yourself pondering about the insane state of the outside world, also consider those whose world is even more insane on the inside.

Hope everyone is staying safe and sane out there! And remember, as Glennon Doyle so beautifully states, “we can do hard things.”